Your child says their stomach hurts.

They don't want to go to school.

They are crying at the bus stop.

They are begging you to let them stay home.

And suddenly, you're having your own internal conversation:

“What if they really don't feel well?”

“What if I'm pushing too hard?”

“What if they have a terrible day?”

“Should I just let them stay home this time?”

If you've ever been in this situation, you know that supporting an anxious child isn't just about helping them manage their anxiety.

Sometimes, you have to manage your own anxiety at the same time.

And that can be one of the hardest parts of parenting an anxious child.

Your child's anxiety can activate yours

When your child is distressed, your instinct may be to make the distress stop.

That's not because you're doing anything wrong. It's because you're their parent.

We are wired to respond when our children are uncomfortable.

If they're crying, we want to comfort them.

If they're scared, we want to make them feel safe.

If they say they don't feel well, we want to keep them home.

If they're worried something bad might happen, we want to tell them that everything will be okay.

And sometimes those responses are exactly what our children need.

But when anxiety is driving the situation, there can be a tricky cycle that develops.

Your child feels anxious.

You become anxious because they're anxious.

You reassure, accommodate, rescue, check, change plans, or remove the uncomfortable situation.

Your child feels better temporarily.

And everyone gets a little relief.

Until the anxiety shows up again.

This is one reason the parent component of anxiety treatment matters so much.

Sometimes the goal isn't to make your child feel better

This can be a really uncomfortable idea for parents.

We don't want our children to suffer.

We don't want them sitting at school feeling anxious.

We don't want them crying at camp.

We don't want them feeling sick on the way to an activity.

But when anxiety is the driving force, feeling better isn't always the immediate goal.

Sometimes the goal is helping your child learn:

“I can feel uncomfortable and still do this.”

“I can have a worried thought without needing to solve it.”

“I can feel anxious and still go to school.”

“I don't need to know for certain that everything will be okay before I move forward.”

This is a big part of the approach I use with parents through SPACE-informed work.

The goal isn't to dismiss a child's anxiety or tell them to “just get over it.”

It's also not about forcing a child into situations without support.

Instead, we're looking at how parents can remain warm, supportive, and confident while reducing the ways anxiety dictates what happens next.

And here's where the parent piece comes in

Your child isn't the only person being asked to tolerate discomfort.

You are, too.

You may have to tolerate the discomfort of watching your child feel uncomfortable.

You may have to tolerate uncertainty.

You may have to resist the urge to ask the teacher how they're doing.

You may have to resist sending one more text.

You may have to sit with the thought:

“I really hope I made the right decision.”

And you may have to do all of that while your brain is screaming:

“BUT WHAT IF?!”

That doesn't mean you're failing.

It means you're practicing something difficult, too.

Support doesn't mean removing every uncomfortable feeling

One of the most important distinctions for parents is the difference between supporting your child and protecting your child from every uncomfortable experience.

Support might sound like:

“I know this feels really hard.”

“I can see that you're worried.”

“I'm not surprised that you're feeling anxious.”

“You don't have to feel completely comfortable to do this.”

“I believe you can handle this.”

Notice what isn't there:

“I promise nothing bad will happen.”

“You definitely won't feel sick.”

“I'll come get you if you're uncomfortable.”

“You don't have to worry.”

Those statements often come from a loving place. But when anxiety is asking for certainty, repeatedly providing certainty can become part of the anxiety cycle.

Instead, we're working toward communicating:

“I hear you. I'm here with you. And I believe you can handle uncertainty and discomfort.”

But what about when YOU are the one who is anxious?

This is where I think parents deserve a lot more compassion.

It's easy to talk about what a child “should” be able to tolerate.

It's much harder to actually watch your child struggle and not immediately intervene.

You might know intellectually that avoidance can reinforce anxiety.

You might know that repeated reassurance isn't helpful long-term.

You might understand that accommodations can keep anxiety in the driver's seat.

And you might still find yourself standing in the kitchen thinking:

“I don't know if I can do this today.”

That's okay.

The goal isn't to become a perfectly calm, completely unbothered parent.

Honestly, if that parent exists, I'd like to meet them.

😂

The goal is to become more aware of your own anxiety and urges to rescue so that you can choose your response rather than automatically reacting to the discomfort.

Try asking yourself these questions

When your child's anxiety is high, pause and ask:

What am I feeling right now?

Am I scared?

Guilty?

Uncertain?

Frustrated?

Overwhelmed?

What am I wanting to do?

Reassure?

Cancel the plan?

Call the school?

Let them stay home?

Check on them?

Promise them everything will be okay?

What is anxiety asking me to do?

And finally:

What would supportive confidence look like instead?

You don't have to get this right every time.

You don't have to respond perfectly.

And you certainly don't have to eliminate your own anxiety before you can help your child.

Sometimes the work is simply noticing:

“My child is uncomfortable. And I'm uncomfortable because my child is uncomfortable. I can feel that discomfort without immediately acting on it.”

That's a powerful skill.

You can be compassionate without becoming anxiety's employee

This is really the heart of what I want parents to know.

You can validate your child's experience without validating every anxious conclusion.

You can acknowledge that something feels scary without promising that it won't happen.

You can provide support without removing every opportunity for your child to practice coping.

And you can love your child deeply while allowing them to experience some discomfort.

That last one is really hard.

But sometimes giving our children the opportunity to discover “I handled something that felt hard” is more valuable than giving them another experience of “Mom or Dad made sure I never had to feel uncomfortable.”

And while your child is learning to cope with anxiety, you get to practice coping with yours, too.

Need a little help with the parent piece?

If you find yourself knowing what you want to do but struggling with the worry, guilt, second-guessing, and urge to rescue that comes with parenting an anxious child, I created a Parent Coping Plan specifically for this.

And it's now included in my Anxious Parent Resource Library, a collection of practical guides, scripts, and tools designed to help parents navigate common anxiety situations without having to figure out what to say every single time.

The library includes resources for:

School anxiety
Somatic complaints
Reassurance seeking
Camp and activity meltdowns
Supportive statements
Summer anxiety
Understanding the anxiety cycle
And coping with your own anxiety as a parent

[SHOP THE ANXIOUS PARENT RESOURCE LIBRARY]

You don't have to be the perfectly calm parent.

You just need tools that help you stay steady enough to keep moving forward.

When Your Child Is Anxious, You Have to Cope With Your Anxiety Too